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Better Out Than In: Why Outercourse Is The New Intercourse

There's no play without foreplay.

There is a misconception by many people that only vaginal penetration qualifies as ‘real’ sex. But there is an alternative to intercourse called ‘outercourse’, a word most people have never heard of. It's a term used for a variety of sexual experiences that don’t include intercourse or penetrative sex. It's another great way to have sexual pleasure and can also enhance trust, love and intimacy.

Outercourse, also sometimes referred to as ‘outer sex’, is the umbrella term for all forms of non-penetrative sex, often used as part of foreplay. It includes kissing, mutual masturbation, erotic talk, using sex toys, rubbing, oral sex, fingering, erotic massage and any other sexual activity you can think of other than penetrative sex.

"'Outercourse', an alternative to intercourse, is another great way to have sexual pleasure and can enhance trust, love and intimacy." (Image: Getty Images)

Ian Kerner PhD, a sex therapist in New York, is the author of the enormously popular book 'She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman'. He offers a radical new philosophy on pleasing women sexually and explores and deciphers all the mysteries and complexities of the female anatomy and pleasure-centers. He also explains why oral sex and manual stimulation are the most effective ways to bring a woman to orgasm.

Both men and women frequently have hang-ups about giving and receiving oral sex. Kerner believes they are often unsure how to do it properly and that’s why the book has almost become the “essential guide” to oral sex.

"Only by inspiring trust will you lull a woman into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of the tongue". (Image: Getty Images)

One chapter is called ‘The Cunnilinguist Manifesto’ and, in it, he reminds men that “only by inspiring trust will you lull a woman into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of the tongue".

He followed it up with 'Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man'. In this book Kerner covers every angle of male sexuality, unlocks the secrets of satisfaction, offers women expert advice on what turns men on, explains male desire and shows sex techniques that work. Kerner gives knowledgeable answers to the many questions women may have.

An interesting observation is that he believes that some men don’t like oral sex or a ‘hand job’ because it feels too rough or they don’t like how their penis is touched. That’s why good communication between couples is so important -- nobody is a mind reader -- they should tell each other what they like and don’t like.

Kerner believes that for both men and women, foreplay is important and that outercourse is the new intercourse.

He explains that “foreplay is all play, and without it, you aren’t getting any play”. He points out many studies have shown that about 80 percent of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. “Men need to get ‘clitorate’ they need to understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and foreplay is ‘coreplay’, he says.

I believe men need to understand the importance of foreplay, which is helpful in getting both partners aroused. For a man, arousal can happen within seconds, often just from visual stimuli, but women need much more time to get aroused and may need physical and mental stimulation.

If anything is the ultimate foreplay for women, it is the art of kissing. They easily are turned off by lovers who aren’t great kissers, irrespective of other good qualities. When couples are kissing, the body releases feel-good hormones such as oxytocin, often called the love or bonding hormone.

"Foreplay is all play, and without it, you aren’t getting any play.” (Image: Getty Images.)

Another form of outercourse is breast stimulation, many men like fondling and sucking breasts or having mammary intercourse (rubbing the penis between the breasts). Frottage or rubbing is a term used for rubbing the genitals together. Fingering involves rubbing the clitoris, vulva and inner walls of the vagina which can give women powerful orgasms. Mutual masturbation is another fun activity; simultaneously stimulating a woman’s vagina and rubbing the penis by the partner can be an intense experience.

Because outercourse is not goal-orientated, it’s a great option for both men and women to enjoy the feelings and sensations it brings without any pressure. They give both partners time to fully experience their bodies, to pay attention to their physical sensations and to be playful and relaxed with each other, rather than feel inadequate and worry about whether they are going to perform or not.

So you may add this new knowledge to your sexual repertoire!