Your Biggest Sex Organ Is Pink, But It's Not The One You Think

Our brain responds to the spoken word by evoking emotions, sensations and blood flow to the genitals.

Many of my clients complain about the fact that sex is not spontaneous anymore. They remember the early days in their relationship when they had sex all the time. It just happened, there was no planning, thinking or scheduling involved and it was usually fun and exciting.

Sex may still be good but not that exciting anymore, sometimes it may have become a chore. This may also coincide with becoming more domestic, working long hours and, for some couples, starting a family and having babies, leaving little spare time left. But that doesn't mean that the good sex you used to have should also be gone -- you just need to find ways to keep your relationship interesting.

A good sex life takes time and effort to maintain. Couples need to try to make sex more playful and fun, to keep their relationships interesting. Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth, it just isn't.

Sex doesn't just mysteriously happen; if you want to have good sex you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it. The best way to do that is planning or scheduling sex, which can be as romantic and enjoyable as other pleasurable planned activities.

Screw Christmas! June 3 is far more exciting! Image: Getty.

We don't just plan everyday household needs and tasks, we also plan other activities just for enjoyment. When you plan a beautiful dinner, you have to work out what to buy and cook. When you go on a holiday, you have to decide when, what destination and what hotels to book. These activities involve anticipation, which is part of the fun. Why should planning to have sex be different?

Women often tell me they have to be in the mood, they have to feel sexual, and it "should just happen". I explain that they may have to wait a long time because feeling sexual and wanting sex need anticipation and mental foreplay. I remind them of the early days when they were dating, when they would wash the sheets, shave their legs and wear sexy underwear to make sure they would look good, just in case! Wasn't that also some sort of planning?

There are many ways to bring passion back to your sex life and here are some simple suggestions on how to spice things up.

Sex does not always have to be in the bedroom or at the end of the day; there are lots of different places to have it -- in your car, on the beach, in the kitchen or on the couch, just use your imagination. Visit a sex shop together and buy some sex toys, erotic books or videos and then try out some new positions.

Talking 'dirty' turns on most people. Our brain, the biggest sex organ, responds to the spoken word by evoking emotions, sensations and blood flow to the genitals. Talking about your fantasies with your partner can be very stimulating and exciting. Blindfolding your partner can be very erotic, as is caressing him or her with a feather. Incorporating more humour and play into our daily interactions can improve the quality of our relationships and allows us to be more adventurous.

Why not surprise your partner with a crazy fancy dress outfit and act out a little fantasy sex, dressing up is fun. Buy some beautiful massage oil and give your partner a relaxing sensual massage and it does not always need to end up in having sex, it can be a great way to explore each other's body and just have some fun.

Clients often tell me they wish their partners were more affectionate; it's all about feeling desired. Just kissing, hugging, holding hands or cuddling up on the couch looking at TV is easy to do and physical affection is very important. Instead of turning your back, you may find that increased intimacy can result in a more passionate and connected relationship.

My advice is to stop focusing on whether or not sex is spontaneous. Start focusing instead on how to make it happen more often.

Keep in mind, if you don't plan time with your partner to have sex and be intimate, desire can slowly fade away.