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It's Facebook's Birthday, What Do You Get The Company That's Taken Everything?

Facebook and 4 Other Friends Have Birthdays Today

Happy birthday, Facebook. You’re fifteen years old. Congratulations. That’s a big milestone for you. Sorry, we didn’t get you anything, but we feel like you’ve taken enough already.

It feels like only yesterday you were the young flashy upstart taking on the behemoth that was MySpace, but here we are – there are over 2.3 billion people on Facebook now. Isn’t that crazy? Who knew the world had so many aunts.

We all know by now that you were founded by Mark Zuckerberg in 2004 when he was at Harvard and he was being played by Jesse Eisenberg. Then some twins tried to sue him and this was all covered in The Social Network.

Things haven’t been great for Facebook as it’s entered its teenage phase. It went through a whole thing of everybody posting photos of themselves from ten years ago, but worse than that it also had one of its customers sell the data of 87 million users to Cambridge Analytica, which wasn’t the best.

Fifteen in tech company years is like fifteen in dog years. Facebook is old. Facebook isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? Anything else. A study last year found that only 11.57% of 13-18 year old used Facebook the most of all of their apps. There are more people on Facebook than on any other app but it isn’t everybody’s go to anymore.

It isn’t all doom and gloom for the big old F-book. They still have access to all of our data and all of our information and they know exactly who is in our social circle and they have photos of all of us from the last fifteen years and they know exactly what restaurants we’ve ever checked in from and they have all of our messenger chats and they have our passwords and our birthdays and the details of what school we went to and they know whose photos we’re liking and without them we wouldn’t know what we were doing three years ago on this day and we wouldn’t know what parties we were invited to and we wouldn’t know who we’re supposed to wish happy birthday to and we wouldn’t know how to get in contact with somebody because who even knows what anybody’s phone number is any more… and… and… and…

Happy fifteenth birthday, Facebook. Please don’t turn into a rebellious teenager and start throwing our stuff around.