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Thicc Girls & Horny Dead Boys: It's Been A Big Week For Otters

We might usually be in the business of ignoring our water-dwelling mammal friends, but this week, that would be a big mistake. 

The first otter-adjacent tale this week comes from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, in California which posted about it's unusually large girl Abby.

"Abby is a thicc girl," the aquarium tweeted, with the bold insanity of one who has never stepped metaphorical foot into the internet. (It hasn't, of course. It's an aquarium, an organisation famous for not having feet.)

"What an absolute unit. She c h o n k. Look at the size of this lady," it continued.

Its final note of praise for Abby's larger-than-average size came in all caps, for emphasis : "OH LAWD SHE COMIN."

Abby the "thicc girl" in all her glory. Photo: Monterey Bay Aquarium.

In fact, Abby was not "comin" anywhere, but the internet sure was: right into Monterey Bay Aquarium's Twitter mentions.

There was apparently a not-entirely-unnoticeable bit of backlash to Monterey's tweet, for it was forced to issue an apology less than a day later.

"Hey everyone," it said, practically sighing.

"It has come to our attention that some of the references in this tweet are problematic and insensitive. We're posting here in the thread so that people who have engaged with this tweet will join us in our learning moment."

That thread went on for three more tweets.

You might have thought that would be it for otter news this week, but you couldn't be more wrong, for the very next day a notoriously horny otter carked it after almost 21 masturbatory positive years.

Eddie the sea otter, a favourite of Oregon Zoo, was euthanised on Thursday, and fondly remembered by his zoo keepers as "one of the oldest -- and most talented -- sea otters on the planet."

As well as a particular skill for dunking hoops, Eddie was famous for self-pleasuring, and showed remarkable feat at doing so.

Was Eddie a trailblazer? Perhaps. The only reason humans don't also masturbate while floating on their back is because they would demonstrably suck at it.

But Eddie taught us that self-love is not only a joyful activity but one that can -- nay, should -- be done in full view of a fee-paying audience.

Rest easy, legend.

Contact the author (but also please don't): abrucesmith@networkten.com.au