The Bachelorette 2018: Can't Fight The Moonlight

Hi my faves, how are we all doing this evening? I'm tired, but what's new?! Let's get right into the episode.

We open the episode with Ali on a contemplative jog, during which she decides to give Charlie his damn one-on-one time, but it's NOT a date, huns!

I... lowkey think she just wants to kick his ass for questioning her, which is honestly a real mood.

They're meeting at the gym, where's Ali's ready to put him through the ringer.

Charlie arrives and immediately says that he's "been extremely confident through this whole process", which I would like to see the receipts on, personally.

Charlie is impressed that Ali's strong. She's basically like:

They do a circuit next, which looks a lot like what Britney and her hot boyfriend Sam Asghari do together.

After the workout, Ali feels that everything's all good between her and Charlie once again and that he's learned that she's no pushover.

Back at the mansion, Todd says that if Ali were to choose Charlie in the end, he would worry that Ali wouldn't be able to go out with friends because Charlie is so jealous and insecure. Bill agrees.

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Todd's The One That She Wants

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Hold Me Closer, Giant Dancer

Anyway, let's brush right past that and onto our post-apocalyptic group date!

Here's how they shoehorned this bonkers activity into the show:

Osher: "Would you say you're looking for someone who can love you 'til the end of time?"

Ali: "Yes, I am."

Osher: "Well that's lucky, because today, you're being transported to the end of the Earth."

Osher and Ali:

Me:

We then learn that Taite and Paddy don't know how to pronounce the word "apocalypse", which is... really something.

Stay in school, crack a book once in awhile, my babes!

The lads have to partner up, which leaves us with: Bill and Taite, Charlie and Paddy, and Country Dan and Daniel. Todd then gets paired with Ali, and you know who's mad?

It's Charlie!

Guys... I think Charlie's trying to kill me. I can't take much more of this. Like, chill out bruh??? Take a nap? Learn to meditate??? Have a piece of cheese and calm the f**k down?? ??  ????

The teams are going to be strapped together, and then they have to work together to find supplies -- like wine -- to survive the apocalypse. I need to find supplies -- like wine -- to survive more of Charlie! BRB sweeties!

Okay great!

Each team has a "nest" where they need to return their post-apocalyptic survival supplies to. The team with the fewest items at the end loses, and a team needs three items to survive.

While we're here, I'll just quickly point out that everyone keeps saying "least amount of items", which is grammatically incorrect:

Again, crack a book once in awhile!

Charlie and Paddy are feeling extremely competitive, with Bill and Taite, in particular.

As you can imagine, it's chaos. Everyone is scrambling to get their three items, and tensions are high, except between Todd and Ali, who are just having a lovely day.

Anyway, Charlie and Paddy end up fighting Bill and Taite, and trust me, you'd be hard pressed to find a dumber display of aggression than four grown-ass men getting into a punch up over a fake game on The Bachelorette.

Anyway, would you believe that Ali did not love seeing these dum dums beat each other up over a game?! Chicks, hey!!!!

Charlie and Paddy have been knocked out of the competition, which leaves us with Todd, Bill, Taite, Country Dan and Daniel, whose prize is a sleepover... at the mansion.

Can you imagine getting into a literal punch up with someone for a secret prize, and the prize being that someone's invited themselves over to your house and said that you can't go to sleep?! I would riot!!! Let me go to bed!!!

She also makes them cook a huge meal, which isn't even sleepover food?! Like...

As they all get set up in the living room, and Taite steals Ali for a snuggly chat outside. It leaves all the lads seething, which is fair when you consider that they all have to sleep on the couches because Ali won't let them go to bed, lolllll.

Bill steps out to interrupt them, and Ali promises to return inside shortly, returning to her very intense conversation with Taite, in which she says that she's falling for him and they talk about how they can feel his heart beating for her.

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All of a sudden, it's time for the cocktail party! Bill finally gets his chat with Ali, and wow do you know who's mad about it? It's Charlie! What in Groundhog Day hell?

Someone please send help and get me out of Charlie's head!!!

While Bill and Ali have a cute, lighthearted chat and a quick pash, Charlie lectures the other guys about how the sofa they're sitting at means that Ali will be asking him the hard-hitting questions and how this will probably mean that Bill's time is up or that he's conning her, or something. Honestly I had to zone out because he was just vibrating on a level that I couldn't cope with emotionally.

We go into the rose ceremony, and SURPRISE! It's double elimination time. Charlie already has a rose from his not-date workout, and Bill snags the first rose of the ceremony.

Next up is Taite, and then Daniel scores a rose, leaving Todd, Paddy and Country Dan battling for the final rose.

It goes to Todd -- duh -- eliminating Country Dan and Paddy from the competition.

They both wish Ali all the best and sing the praises of the other guys in the house.

As Paddy leaves the mansion to the sickest dance beat the house has ever heard, he reminds us that the girl for him will be F-I-T and that his Tinder will be poppin'. Ah, love!

And that's all for another week, folks! Come back next Tuesday, when we'll see Ali disregard the concerns of binge drinking in Australia and get the boys to drink as much beer as they can, and Taite get a second date!

Until then, live laugh love.

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