The Bachelorette 2018: Todd's The One That She Wants

Happy Halloween, friends and frenemies!

What are you dressed as? I'm dressing up as a human woman, instead of the 147-year-old demon I actually am. Fun!

Cute pic of me as the Bachelorette!

Anyway, before we can get on with the festivities, let's chat about The Bachelorette real quick since that's what we're here for.

We begin the episode with Ali reflecting on her chat with Robert, who began his Halloween festivities early last week by pulling a real Jekyll and Hyde on Ali, revealing his inner crazy to Ali and her family.

Ali meets up with Robert to try to reconnect with him, and he tells her he's "at the mercy of the Gods'. Ali's like "nah binch you're at the mercy of ME". An icon!

Anyway, they chat and pash for a hot sec, so everything's fine, until three seconds later, when they walk into the mansion and Robert announces to the house that he packed his bags and almost LEFT THE COMPETITION?

Ali's like, "da fuq?" and vows to keep a close eye on him.

Onto the group date, and they're going to dance in a music video! Once again -- because my gal Ali is from Adelaide -- we get blessed with some gorgeous Adelaide vowels as she tells the lads she's been daahhhhncing since she was four.

We also hear Daniel speak for maybe the first time? So that's nice.

This is Daniel. Paddy informs us that he's a very good dancer, "a mixture of Channing Tatum and Jesus". Now, as someone who went to church every week for like, 19 years, I was surprised to hear that Jesus was such a prolific dancer, but hey, I love to learn new things, so I googled it and came up with this:

Talent!

Anyway, Ali's going to choose one of the guys for extra alone time, based on their enthusiasm and dedication to having fun, or something. There are different segments to the dance that will all come together to create a piece called "The Rhythm of Love".The first part is a detention scene with Paddy, Robert and Charlie which I personally live for because it's very much '90s bubblegum pop inspired.

Charlie spends his time being salty about Paddy getting a bigger role than him which I do not have the capacity to take on emotionally today.

Moving on!

The next scene is a Grease-inspired, '50s diner scene, which is not going to flow on well from the detention scene, but whatever! Bill and his tongue, Todd and country Dan are ready to pop and lock for this.

Ali notes that Country Dan's dancing is "a bit stiff" and then cracks up like a beautiful angel with a devilish sense of humour.

Dan immediately knocks Ali in the head.

The final scene is "Love Jungle", inspired by Tarzan and Jane, with Taite and Nathan.

While Taite and Ali are feeling each other up, Nathan's role is to be a peeping Tom explorer, which goes about as well as you might expect.

We come back from the break and everyone's in costume, ready to perform their routines. Charlie says that it reminds him of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" which -- as a Britney stan -- I just really need to point out is NOT THE TITLE OF THE DAMN SONG.

Welcome to my TED Talk!!!!!

Anyway, Paddy says he was always in trouble at school, a surprise to literally nobody, but seeing him in a school uniform really helps complete his transformation into becoming an Inbetweener.

Their dance goes fine until Charlie gets stressed and starts dancing up a storm. It's really a lot to take in. Ali likes it, though.

Meanwhile, Robert was just chillin', kind of ignoring everyone.

The diner scene is all about Todd and Ali.

We got another highly charged near-kiss moment between Ali and Taite, but Nathan really stole the scene with his... artistic choices.

Anyway, Osher gathers them all to watch the fruits of their labour -- their music video -- and it's not great, but it's really the fun they had along the way that counts, right?

In the end, Daniel wins the alone time! Who said humping a crocodile wasn't a good idea?!

They sit down for wine and cheese, and things get awkward in about three to four seconds.

Ali tells him that prosecco has no sulphites, and Daniel tells her "that's really exciting". Has the meaning of the word exciting changed?

Then they talk about his family's poor blood circulation and how it leads to sweaty hands, which kind of works as an icebreaker because then they talk about Ali's favourite topic, marriage and babies. She gives him a rose and they have a quick peck, but not a pash like some of the other guys.

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Finding Thorns Among Roses

READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Danny Explains That Fumbled Kiss, "I Wasn't In The Right Headspace"

It's onto the single date, and finally, we get to spend some one-on-one time with Hot Todd.

Ali says that she was originally planning this date for Robert, but she's off him at the moment, so it's Todd's time to shine!

They go for a drive in a very expensive car and then crack open a bottle while overlooking the harbour. They literally look like Barbie and Ken or like Sweet Valley High's Elizabeth and Todd, at least.

Ali tells Todd that they're going to meet with a designer and design their clothes for the evening's cocktail party. Todd reveals he loves fashion, a happy coincidence!

After they strip down and do 3D images of their bodies to get their measurements (have you heard of a tape measure?), they sit down to plan each other's ensembles.

Todd and Ali have a nice chat and he says he wants to find someone who would be a good parent, and that Ali would be a great mum, because she's full of warmth.

Obviously, Ali loves this! Two seconds later, she gets something in her eye, he helps her, and then they pash.

Bill's tongue found dead!!!

Todd gets a rose. Onto the cocktail party!

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READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Ali Is Ready For Love On Her Own Terms

We enter the party and Charlie's ALREADY found something to be upset about!

Todd and Ali arrive, and again, they look like Barbie and Ken. Legends only!

Todd, who's hot and sweet, is excited to tell the lads about his new suit. The other guys are heaps salty about it, lol.

Charlie hears that Todd and Ali kissed and immediately begins necking his scotch. Lemme tell you, babes, the last time I drank scotch like that I fractured my elbow and continued partying, telling my friends that "if it was broken, it would still be broken tomorrow". And it was! I had to take six weeks off work!!! Let's hope it works out better for Charlie boy!

Anyhoo, Charlie takes a massive dump on Todd's emotional high and condescendingly tells Todd that Ali's just like that with everyone and that he shouldn't get too excited and all this other stuff. He's basically trying to talk Todd out of his feelings for Ali, which is... a lot.

He also says that he doesn't trust that Ali's going to make the right decision, which is like, babe, if you don't actually think that highly of Ali -- if you don't think she's capable of choosing the right person and if you hate that she's pashing everyone and forming connections with other people in the house... maybe... she's not the girl you want to pretend she is? We're gettin' into some real "I'm a nice guy" logic here, is all I'm saying.

Ali and Charlie sit down to talk and he comes in hot, telling her within 15 seconds that he doesn't think she'll be ready to say 'I love you' to anyone at the end if she doesn't pick a top two and start dating them more seriously.

Ali hates it! She tells him that she's "floating on cloud nine" because she's "never trusted her gut" like this before, and Charlie nods his head roughly 997 times and offers her a very tense smile. If he'd been holding a glass it would've smashed from the tension!

We go into the rose ceremony, and Charlie's freaking out.

With Daniel and Todd already having roses, we're left with six guys and five roses for the ceremony.

Bill gets the first, followed by Paddy, Taite and Country Dan, which means we're down to Robert versus Charlie!

Ali tears up, before offering the final rose to Charlie.

Robert and Ali say an emotional farewell, offering each other all the best.

And that's that! Come back tomorrow, where we'll see Charlie finally get a second date with Ali, and watch them do a maze or something. I guess we'll find out then!

Namaste.

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