The Bachelorette 2018: Finding Thorns Among Roses
Good evening babes, and welcome to our Thursday night recap!
Tonight, we’ll see Ali’s Mr Hopefuls face off against her loved ones, but first, it’s single date time!
After having his date stolen by Bill, Taite’s got a second chance at a single date. He’s thrilled!
He also says that it’s been hard watching the other guys “formulate” a relationship with Ali, which had me like:
Just say "form", my good sis!
Ali says that although they haven’t spent much time together, he’s been at the forefront of her mind since the Mills and Boon photoshoot, which saw them nearly pash.
They meet in the middle of the bush, just like the start of Wolf Creek! They’re going on a treasure hunt together.
They immediately find a skull, and just like any girl from Adelaide, Ali is intrigued.
Anyway, the clues are super easy, and they find all the stuff they need to set up the wine and romance part of their date.
The final clue, which is “hidden” under some logs, comes with a snowglobe with a picture of them from the photoshoot in it, and they relive the moment, but actually kiss this time!
Ali says that she hasn’t felt more like herself on any first date yet, and also describes this first kiss as “perfect”. He’s also feeling the vibe and says that he feels like a schoolkid with a crush.
They pash more.
Ali tells him that she’s “lost for words” and then delivers this whole speech about how she can see their life together and how she can see them falling in love and all this stuff. It’s really long, and like… that’s not what being lost for words is, but I ship them I think.
Taite says that he’s going to kiss her again because he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to do it again, and Ali says that she’s going to think about this when she goes to bed, which I chose to interpret as the PG-timeslot version of “I wish we could bang right here”.
Onto the group date, which is more like interrogation via Ali’s BFF Jess and cousin Bianca this week. Fun!
They ask questions like “why are you single?”, “are you here to fall in love or to be on television?” and “would you move to Adelaide for Ali?”
Charlie spends his downtime talking about Bill, and honestly, I don’t know whether he’s more obsessed with Bill or Ali at this point.
Bill says that he was “thinking about moving to Adelaide anyway” which -- as a girl from Adelaide myself -- made me cackle. As IF anyone from Melbourne has ever said that and meant it. I love Bill, he’s such a scammer.
Anyway, Charlie goes in like a whirlwind of anxiety and throws Bill under the bus, but the girls respond well to it!
Turns out, my friends, the frontrunner who biffs it is ROBERT!
He cuts them off a ton of times, asks whether Ali’s ready to be in a relationship, refuses to talk about any of the other guys and comes off very intense and very rude.
Huns, the girls do not love it. They describe him as “full on” and “draining”, which is how I describe this show to my therapist!
It’s time for the debrief, and here’s how it played out:
Todd: Lovely, needs more time.
Taite: A gentle family man.
Danny: Genuine, but the timeline might not be right.
Charlie: A potential husband and good dad, they could have a good future together.
Let’s take a quick break from this to address the TWO typos in this one screenshot.
SMH. Okay, moving on.
Bill: Really nice, charming.
Robert: Intense, full on, wouldn’t fit in with the family.
Ali’s f**ken shook.
We don’t get a breakdown on Daniel (whomst?), Country Dan, Pete, or Paddy.
Anyway, at the cocktail party, Charlie and Bill are at each other’s throats again. All the guys are like “wow here we go again”.
Ali arrives and pulls Robert aside to address her newfound concerns. Robert explains his concern that Ali was just going to repeat the same mistakes again and goes on, and on, and on. Ali can’t get a word in, which makes her consider the concerns of her BFF and her cousin more seriously.
It’s onto the rose ceremony, and Robert doesn’t know whether he’ll be able to crawl back out of the hole he dug himself into during the cocktail party. Do we need to send him a copy of this book, maybe?
Daniel, a man I have never heard speak, gets the first rose. Country Dan is up next, followed by Charlie, and then Ali STOPS THE ROSE CEREMONY to chat to ASMR Danny one on one.
The lads are left shaking!
She tells him that she sees him as a friend and says that she “didn’t want him to be waiting for a rose” which is like… the point of the rose ceremony, but GO OFF WITH THIS DRAMA SIS!
Osher comes in and announces Danny’s departure, tells them that it’s Ali’s journey, but is then like “that being said, the SHOW MUST GO ON!”
He snatches a rose and announces that another guy will be leaving!
Todd gets the next rose, followed by Bill and Paddy.
We’re down to the final rose, and it’s between Robert and Pete.
Guys, she sends Pete home! Robert still got a rose!
Ignoring the warnings of her BFF and her cousin, homegirl Ali’s gone and got herself dickmatised, just like Ariana was with Pete.
That’s it for this week, babes! Come back next week, when we’ll finally get to see beautiful Todd get his time in the sun, while Robert and Charlie continue to throw themselves under buses.
Live laugh love!
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Feature image: Ten