The Bachelorette 2018: Ali's Tired Of Rumours Startin'
Happy Thursday, dear readers, and welcome back to another eventful night in front of our TVs!
We kick things off with a cheeky break-and-enter, as Queen Ali wanders into the mansion unannounced. The lads are still in their PJs! Everyone's like "ahh! Ali's here!" which is a lot of excitement for so early in the morning. Do NOT speak to me before I've had my java, Ali!!!!
Anyway, Ali's dressed like a 1992 Barbie, which is a real mood for me, a child of the '90s.
Ali's come to ask Taite out, and Bill's feeling hella salty about it! He's like, "should I use my wild rose?!" and honestly, I want Bill to just use it already so we don't have to hear the phrase "wild rose" again.
Taite's like "pls no!" and then Bill's like "nah I'm gonna". Taite's sad about it, so sad he turns his back on Bill, perhaps so Bill can remove THE KNIFE he just shoved in Taite's back!!!!
I know I just said I wanted Bill to use his damn wild rose already but I didn't mean LIKE THIS! Taite, I'm sorry!
You know who else is mad about Bill's move? It's Paddy, my messy bitch who lives for drama. I think I stan Paddy, you guys.
Anyway, Ali's surprised to see Bill but, like me, she's glad he used the rose.
We're off on a road trip to a mystery location, and Ali and Bill discuss which superpowers they'd want. Bill says telepathy, and Ali says flying. They're both dum dums, because the best and only acceptable answer to this is very obviously telekinesis, like all the greats:
Name a more iconic trio, I'll wait!!!!
Eventually, they arrive at a marina, and go "wake-skating"... I don't know what that is, but like, sure! Let's go, I guess.
Anyway, Ali's really good at it and it's honestly like watching an ad for wake-skating Barbie!
Bill's lowkey scared, which is fair because he is NO wake-skating Ken!
To be fair, I would certainly not be any better than this. In fact, it's highly likely I would drown.
After five or six tries on the wake-skate, Bill switches over to the wakeboard and manages to get up on top of the water. Good for him! Ali's impressed with his can-do attitude.
They sit down for wine and cheese, and Ali's like "will you move to Adelaide for me if I choose you?" and readers, lemme tell you, as a gal born and raised in Adelaide, my favourite part of this season is guys being like "yeah! I'd, uh... love to move to Adelaide! I could... I could definitely do that!"
Okay, I'm exaggerating, but like, it's pretty funny, and I love my hometown. Enjoy the wine, churches and murder, Billy boy!
Ali loves that he's thought about marriage and kids and all of that, and tells him that he gives her "butterflies and fireworks at the same time" which sounds like a bad time for the poor butterflies, but whatever! Bill and his tongue love it!
She gives him a rose before they even get to pouring the wine! Time efficient!
Bill tells Ali that he can see himself:
- falling in love with her
- moving to Adelaide to be with her
- creating a family with her
- making a life that they both want
Huns, this one sentence has more commitment than the entire last season of The Bachelor, I'm shook.
Anyway, they pashed a lot.
Group date time, and tonight, the bros are going to play a bonkers, real-life version of Guess Who? (??? ? ??) -- apparently, this date is all about working out how compatible each guy is with Ali.
Danny -- a very soft-spoken man who I don't think we've ever heard speak before -- whispers that this is a very good opportunity for him to make his mark.
Osher asks Ali and the guys a bunch of relationship questions, and the guy with the answer furthest away from Ali gets knocked over, and out of the game.
In the second round, Ali says that six months is an appropriate time for a couple to get married, and since a picture's worth a thousand words, please consider this my magnum opus:
Needless to say, Paddy gets knocked out of the game.
As the game plays on, the eliminated guys start complaining that some of the boys aren't being truthful, but rather, just trying to predict what Ali would say in order to game the system and win the alone time. Salty!
It comes down to Nathan and Charlie, and strap yourselves in, because Nathan wins the round, leaving Charlie fuming.
Round two is an auction of relationship qualities. Each guy has a theoretical $2,500 to spend on whichever qualities their hearts desire.
ASMR Danny "goes hard on respect", and long story short, he wins the time with Ali.
They sit down in a magical wonderland of K-Mart twinkle lights, and Ali looks like an ethereal princess.
ASMR Danny whispers that relationships fall apart when couples don't respect one another, and Ali loves it!
Spot the difference!
He goes on to whisper that he knows he doesn't speak much, and then says something about how the beauty of music is "the silence between notes", and then he calls her a fisherman???? Honestly... I just... I thought we were done with riddles when Nick left, but at least ASMR Danny hasn't mentioned anything about "strapping on a feed bag" or whatever that was.
Okay SO. ASMR Danny whips out his fourth saying of the night, jokes that he's "aiming for about six", and when Ali laughs, he just KISSES HER OUT OF NOWHERE and it's extremely ?????? ?? ? ????
Ali pulls away, and their date has immediately gone from good to super awkward.
Honestly, the whole thing's... kind of a mess and it made me uncomfortable to watch a woman get kissed against her will, because you know what we love in 2018? It's consent, hunnis!
READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Meet The Bachelors
Ali arrives wearing a blue dress with a navy eyeliner, and wow I'm living!!!
She takes Nathan for a chat, and upon seeing this, Charlie decides that he needs to tell Ali that Nathan was spreading "disgusting rumours" about her and Grant and that his motives are not to be trusted.
Charlie tells her that she's falling for "intentions and not actions" again, getting TRICKED by deceptive people like Bill and Nathan.
She goes to confront Nathan. Meanwhile, Charlie tells Paddy that he spilled the tea, and Paddy is shook.
Ali confronts Nathan in front of everyone, and she's not here for Nathan's backpedalling.
They end up pulling Charlie back into the chat to clarify exactly what Nathan allegedly said.
The whole group gets into it and they all talk around these rumours and what was or wasn't said, and Charlie and Nathan are both Very Mad!
Charlie's like "you're lying and you backpedalled when I called you out!" and Nathan's like "did not!!!!!" and I'm like
They keep repeating themselves at various decibels but nothing gets any clearer.
As a sidenote... who's this in the background here????? I've... never seen him before????
Nathan calls Charlie a "spiteful piece of shit" and SWEARS to TAKE THIS TO HIS GRAVE which is the kind of drama only someone who's 23 has the energy to muster. I used to be like that. Now I just have a piece of cheese, maybe take an angry nap, and carry on living my life.
Ali, who I have now realised is an Aries queen, is not here for any of these shenanigans. She pulls Nathan aside, tells him she can't trust him and that she needs to analyse who she can trust in the mansion, and straight up dumps him, rose ceremony be damned! Take the night off, Osher!
And that's it! Come back next week, when we'll see Ali go on a double date with Bill and Ivan. Will Ivan dance his way into Ali's heart? Will Bill's snake tongue be able to charm her? Only time will tell, dear reader.
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