The Bachelorette 2018: The Sky High Club
Good evening, dear readers, and welcome back to another Bachette extravaganza!
We open the episode with Osher rocking up with a date card.
Bill makes this face.
Pete -- this season's Alisha, and our narrator for this journey -- announces that the single date is going to Charlie.
Immediately, Charlie's like "Bill, Bill pls don't take my date away from me! Pretty please!!"
Bill doesn't, and they hug it out. Friendship! Charlie also says "I owe you the world, mate" which is... pretty hectic.
After a whole season of the Honey Badger and his group dates of made-up sports, and single dates where he just made all the girls confront their biggest fears, I was hoping that Ali would just like... take these guys out for a nice dinner.
Nope! They're going on whatever the eff this is:
Now, you may remember that I HATE HEIGHTS, and I don't know what this is...
Unfortunately for me, I was informed that I "couldn't just skip the whole single date" in this recap, so for you, my dear friends, I will endure.
Don't say I never did anything for you!
Okay SO, these beautiful people with a death wish are going to PLAY TWISTER, 61 metres above sky level. Sounds like an intensely bad time that would see me hospitalised for a panic attack!!!
Charlie says he's good with heights, though, so that's something, at least!
He's a builder who's worked on heaps of high-rise buildings, so he's like... basically The Rock in Skyscraper, I think. He reassures Ali that it's all going to be fine, because she's getting cold feet, which is FAIR, because this is SO BAD!!! I literally think I would just die.
They head out over the street, and Ali FREAKS out, but Charlie's super lovely and calm and soothing. Even though they go back without playing Twister, Ali's really impressed by his attitude through the whole thing, and they pash a lot!
She also says that he's "perfection".
READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Meet The Bachelors
Onto part two of their date, and it's wine and cheese o'clock.
Charlie tells Ali that he's here to find love, and loves how upfront she is about wanting the marriage, the kids, the white picket fence, the whole thing. He also says that he can see himself falling in love with her easily.
Ali -- who is the human embodiment of Marie from The Arisocats -- is one smitten kitten, my friends. She gives him a rose, and they pash a lot more!
I ship them!
Back at the mansh, Charlie refuses to engage in any locker room talk about Ali, but does say that Ali knows what she wants in life, that he's ready to fall in love, and that anyone who's not should just leave now, basically.
This prompts Paddy -- a man who spent the whole day trying to manifest a bad date for Charlie into existence using only the power of his mind -- to call Charlie "a nutter".
We're onto the group date, a Mills & Boon photoshoot set in New York City -- to be featured on actual novels.
A moment of silence for Vanessa Sunshine, queen of serving looks at photoshoots.
For shoot number one, Danny, Jules and Ivan are doing like, a Vegas showgirl thing, while Jules is playing the photographer off to the side.
Ali oils up the shirtless boys, and huns, she's loving it.
Jules is trying to engage Ali by choreographing the photoshoot as though he's the actual photographer.
Ali's like "lmao this is weird", but Jules thinks it went well! Uh oh!
Next up is a hotel-themed "spring fling" photoshoot that sees Paddy dressed like a bellhop. He hates it! Everyone else loves it.
Meanwhile, Robbie and Ali are just like...
Now, I thought this was cute. You know who didn't? The bros!
Photoshoot three is Sexy Halloween, with Damian, Dan, Daniel and Todd, who's dressed as a "sexy gatecrasher":
Ali says that he can "gatecrash her party anytime", which I can only assume is a euphemism.
The photoshoot is like a cross between two things I like a lot, which are: the visuals from The Circus Starring Britney Spears tour, and also Rihanna's "Disturbia". Spooky legends only!
Dan tries to cut into the chemistry between her and Todd by initiating a conversation about like... roast ducks? She doesn't love it.
Onto the final photoshoot, and it's a one on one, 'winter in New York' shot with Taite. They have great chemistry and almost kiss!
Just like a Justin Timberlake Super Bowl performance, Taite's loving it, and everyone watching on is not.
We're onto the second cocktail party, and Paddy's still fuming that his Secret Board sabotage didn't work on Charlie!
Ali arrives, looking gorgeous, and pulls Robert aside for a "quick chat".
She's like "I've been thinking about this all day" and then they PASH!
Three pashes in two episodes?! I stan! "Get it girl!" I scream at my TV, wearing my pyjamas and covered in crumbs.
Meanwhile, Charlie's fretting about timing. He wants more time alone with his queen, but he doesn't want to come on too strong or interfere with her chats too much. Just like another contestant who also penned a diary entry, his eyes are betraying him as they follow Ali around the party.
Ten minutes after promising the lads he would allow them their moment with Ali, Charlie decides he needs a new plan, and decides to cut in.
Paddy is FUMING, which is fun to watch.
We go into the rose ceremony. Robert gets the first rose, Taite gets the second. Next, we have Danny, Bill, Wes, Nathan and Pete, while Paddy monologues "no one here could pull off a cheeky bellboy BUT ME!!!" which is insane.
Anyway, he gets a rose!
There's a whole bunch of others, until finally, long-haired Cheyne (he was the one in the kilt) doesn't receive a rose. Sad!
Farewell, Cheyne, we hardly knew ye.
Come back next week, when
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