The Bachelorette 2018: When I'm With You All I Get's A Wild Rose
Hello, dear readers, and welcome back.
It's been six days since Nick Cummins dumped the last of the 28 women who were vying for his heart. Since then, I've been going through all the stages of grief, and have come to a place of acceptance.
Me last Friday:
I've had a nap, I've had a long bath, I've done a face mask, and now I'm THRIVING, and I'm ready to follow Ali on her journey to find love (hopefully) this season. Join me, won't you?!
We know Ali from way back. She fell in love with Tim, and got her heart stomped on. Then, she was on Bachelor in Paradise! ... and then she got her heart stomped on. Now? Ali's back, and she's ready to go for round three, and hopefully NOT get her heart stomped on.
Ali says that she's over bad boys and is looking for a nice guy to settle down with and call her hubby. Gorgeous! Let's meet the lads.
First up we have Charlie, who hands her a notebook.
Remember when precious angel Cass read from her diary and everyone was like "A STAGE 5 CLINGER!!!"? I'm not saying that we should treat this guy with the same level of meanness, I'd just like us all to take a moment to consider equality in this moment, you know?
Ali's like "wow I love you????????" and fam, he's literally the first one out of the limo. Buckle in, babes.
Charlie's like "I want kids and the white picket fence" and Ali loves it! Meanwhile, I'm on my couch like:
I thought I was dead inside, how exciting for me!
As he's walking inside, she screams "AMAZING!" at him, it's really hectic and dorky and I lowkey love it???
Next up, we meet Robert, who brings her some of his Nonna's pasta sauce. He's a real cutie and they make plans to go on a date where they'll compare their sausage-making skills. I'll leave it to Mat to make that joke in tl;dr.
Ivan's next, and he gives Ali... this:
Then he does a dance and then boot-scoots it outta there. It's... a lot.
Nathan from the Northern Beaches is the closest thing we have to a Jersey Shore cast member on the show. He wants to come home to a "bangin' chick" and is all about that GTL life. He brings her a human-sized teddy bear, and she's like...
He says that he hopes there's red wine inside, and leaves to go find out.
Let's speed this up, yeah? We meet Bill. He's nervous and has "soft hands", according to Ali. Jules comes in on a Segway, there's Dan, Wes, Brendan, Danny, and more. Look, they're coming in real quick, a girl can't keep up.
Damian quite literally sweeps Ali off her feet, and then we meet soccer player Paddy who 1) doesn't let her speak, and 2) reads her a bonkers poem. I think Ali might hate him????
We also get this gorgeous shot:
We follow Paddy into the mansion to meet the boys, and the dramatic music amps up, which means, dear friends, that drama is afoot!
Paddy tells us that he's in the house to stir the pot, and promptly delivers, sitting down and telling everyone that he got the first kiss of the season, that he had an instant connection with Ali, and that she's "well fit, innit" and all about how his eyes were "wandering". It's quite a lot to take in, particularly because they're all lies.
Segway Jules decides that he hates him.
Paddy also paraphrases Taylor Swift, saying that he's not going to be having anyone talking shit about him.
Back outside, we're meeting another Dan (he's got a lamb), as well as Pete and Todd, who's absolutely regretting every choice he ever made that led him to put this squeaky, plastic suit of armour on.
"Can I have a go at ya sword?" asks Pete. Todd straight up ignores him.
Ali's super into the Knight in Shining Armour schtick, though, so it's all worth it in the end!
Osher comes in and gives them the spiel about getting a rose, and says that if they get the "wild rose" (it's pink), which gives one man the ability to swap himself into a single date with another guy. Everyone's shook, and someone even says "shivers".
Paddy announces the end of the "bro code" which sounds like a good thing when you read it, but his delivery of the news is like "hmm". Let's see how it plays out, I guess!!!
Ali enters the cocktail party and delivers a lovely speech about how she's been in their shoes and she's taking the whole journey really seriously.
She says she'll have to speak to the guys one on one to work out who deserves the wild rose, and the boys all immediately start scrambling to get a few minutes of alone time.
While Ali is busy splitting her time between all the guys at the party, Pete -- our new drama-loving Alisha for the season -- overhears Northern Beaches Nathan talking about Paddy, and decides to relay the information back to Paddy.
Would you believe, he's not happy?!
Paddy vows to make Nathan look like "an absolute muppet" and tells Pete that he will tell Nathan to "jog on". He's English, by the way. Did I mention that? He's very, very English.
Paddy confronts Nathan, and all of a sudden, it's Geordie Shore Vs Jersey Shore. I hope one of them smashes their head into a cement wall like The Situation did that one time, that was a really wild time.
Neither of them do, though. Nathan lightly touches Paddy's lapel, and Paddy's like "BRO WHY ARE YOU PUSHING ME?" and Nathan's like "??????????" and then they get separated and Nathan cheers the other bros to "a bitta airtime, aye".
READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Meet The Bachelors
READ MORE: The Bachelorette 2018: Meet Country Boy Dan
Meanwhile, Ali's looking at this dude's butt:
It's the name of his friends' band, and -- oh, there's all those repressed memories from every JB Hi-Fi Christmas party I ever attended! Let's shove them right back down and get on with the show, shall we?
Back at the party, Paddy is just screaming over and over and over about how Ali is "fit as fuck" and all the guys hate it. I like watching people be miserable on television, so I'm really thriving. Paddy's kind of like Ali G, tbh.
Damian decides that it's HIS time to confront Paddy about the way he's speaking about Ali.
Paddy then explains, in painstaking detail, that he's saying "fit as fuck" not "fat as fuck" and that in the UK, "fit" means "hot", so he's complimenting her, and everyone should be agreeing with him.
Turns out, I'm not as well rested from last week as I thought! Fun! Here's a cute pic of me this evening, listening to this:
Gonna be a long season, ladies, strap yourselves in!!!
Ah... we also... get a choreographed dance number, with no music.
As they go to perform it for the group, Ali reminds us that -- like myself -- she's from Adelaide, when she says "A DAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHNNNNNCCCE ROUTINE, YES!"
Wig, I can't wait to hear those gorgeous South Australian vowels all season.
Anyway, they perform it -- again, there is NO MUSIC -- and it's incredibly hard to watch.
Bill -- whose "fun fact" during introductions was that his real name is David??? -- gets the wild rose, leaving heaps of the guys feeling salty as hell.
They also PASH!!! In the FIRST EPISODE!!! In front of everyone!!!
Here are some of the reactions:
Onto the rose ceremony!
With 17 men and 15 roses, two of our bachelors are on the chopping block.
Honestly, it's the first episode, and we barely know any of these dudes, so here's the deal: everyone gets a rose except for a guy who looks like the Honey Badger (triggered) and a guy named Brendan, who I HAD IN THE OFFICE SWEEP, FOR F**K'S SAKE.
Anyway, whatever. Come back tomorrow for more Bachette content!
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