The Bachelor 2018: Wanna Get Dirrty

Because nothing says "breaking down your emotional barriers" like hurling yourself face first into a pool of mud, all for the approval of a man. Therapeutic!

Hi team, welcome back to another week of Bachie #content.

We kick things off with Osher waltzing into the mansion to deliver a date card.

Cass would like it to be a single date... with her. I love this song, but babes, I'm tired.

BUT SUDDENLY, FINALLY, at LONG LAST, Cass GETS HER SINGLE DATE! She's literally shaking.

I'm happy for her. The last time I was that excited, it was because Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar... which is... not even my own achievement. Guess I should bring that up with my therapist, but for now, let's breeze right past it and onto the date!!!!!!!

Cass is nervous and excited and prepares for the date by making sure her lips are like, oh-em-gee totes pashable.

He picks her up in a school bus???? And says he chose Cass for this date because she's "big on fun" and so is he. I... just want to point out that literally everyone is "big on fun". Like... no one you meet is ever going to say that they hate having fun. Everyone wants to be having fun. I wish I was having some.

"Sounds fun!" says Cass.

Nick then describes HER as fun, while I'm over here like:

God, I miss Vanessa Sunshine.

Anyway, they're going for a day at Wet N Wild, but instead of just like, going down some waterslides and having a nice time together, Nick decides they're going to throw themselves off some giant tower.

NICK SAYS HE'S NOT GOOD WITH HEIGHTS WHICH, FAM, IS BULLS**T, BECAUSE OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T KEEP SETTING UP DATES WHICH INVOLVE REALLY HIGH HEIGHTS????

Cass, LIKE ME, is scared of heights, but UNLIKE ME, decides that her love for Nick -- who is LYING ABOUT HIS OWN FEAR OF HEIGHTS -- is bigger than her fear of heights.

I would be like, "Have fun dying, I'll be in the car listening to a podcast!"

Nick and Cass get hoisted up into the sky, and huns, this is my personal version of hell:

Just a little tip from me to you: if you're on a date and it requires signing a waiver, throwing yourself off a building, or conquering your deepest, darkest fear, you can literally JUST LEAVE. Just get an Uber and go do something else????

Anyway, Cass says: "If we die, at least we'll die together" which is a real Romeo + Juliet mood.

BRB while I go listen to "#1 Crush" by Garbage 40 times over.

... Okay I'm back. We're 16 minutes into the episode.

Anyway, they don't die, but they DO go on waterslides. Here's a GIF I found in my collection when I searched for "water":

Legends only.

The second part of their date is to have a drink and a cheese platter set up IN A POOL, because nothing says "let's make a connection" like the romance of chlorine, children's urine and pruney feet.

"Today was unreal," says Cass. Meanwhile, Rachel is somewhere like...

They talk about how Cass loves him, and then she's like "how 'bout you though?"

Nick says that although he finds it hard to show her any affection in the house (???), she has a "glow" about her and he's not ready for her to go home yet.

Readers, they pashed!

YAY CASS!

Moving right along, it's group date time, and they're... going on an adventure... into their souls???

They meet a woman named Emily (not our Bachelorette Emily) whose job it is to help them break down their emotional walls, and it's like... is that not the exact reason Tenille left last week? Whatever.

They have to go through an obstacle course, and Jamie Lee -- who is STILL in her moon-boot -- is like "how about we don't do that, though?". She sits this one out.

Then, they have to think of a word or phrase that signifies their emotional baggage, which they will then release into the wild. Nothing says bonding like exposing your childhood trauma in front of Australia!

First, they have to cross a river, and Dasha reveals that her biggest barrier is being "too much of a perfectionist". I love her.

For the next challenge, they have to work in pairs, and Cass gets paired with Nick! She's really thriving.

This woman is like "ah yes, this challenge is ACTUALLY all about communication!" and it's like...

Meanwhile, Jamie Lee is sitting at a campfire by herself, which is honestly a real mood compared to the torture the other gals are enduring. Like, does this not look like more fun than having to expose your emotional trauma while also doing an obstacle course???

The final hurdle involves everyone getting over a log and then falling two metres, face first, into the mud.

Nick helps all the girls over and then learns the valuable lesson, that he needs to ask for help when he needs it.

Sitting around the fire, Nick says that he finds them all "very attractive" now that they're covered in mud. Let's get dirrty, I guess.

Reflecting on their emotional baggage, it turns out all of them have learned to let go of their emotional barriers. Dasha is less of a perfectionist, Brooke has learned to trust people! Everybody's cured, gorgeous!

Nick opens up about learning to ask women for help, being vulnerable and communicating his emotions.

Queen Dasha scores the alone time! They cheers "to getting wet", and Dasha adds "... and dirty", leaving Nick shook.

Unfortunately, they quickly run out of things to talk about.

Here is a list of things I would talk to Queen Dasha about:

  • Her son
  • Russia
  • Does she miss cold Christmases?
  • Does she miss Russia? Does she want to move back?
  • Fitness
  • What other stuff is she into?
  • What's her favourite movie?
  • How does she keep her hair so healthy?
  • Why did she settle down in my hometown of Adelaide, of all the Australian cities?
  • What's her favourite place in Adelaide?

That’s just off the top of my head??? But alas, Nick’s got nothing, so instead, he launches into a weird monologue about how makeup means women have walls up and how it's nice when women aren't wearing makeup.

Dasha's like "yeah." and then Nick's like "?? ?    ???  ?  ???????"

Anyway, we cut to the rose ceremony and Dasha doesn't have a rose yet!

With Cass already holding her rose, we run through the other ladies: Shannon, Brooke, Brittany and Sophie, until we're down to three: Dasha, Emily, and Jamie Lee.

Dasha gets the second last rose and honestly, the music is so dramatic that you'd think there was an ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!

Emily gets the last rose, which means my sword-hating, sedentary queen Jamie Lee is going home.

And that's it, folks! Come back tomorrow, when Emily finally gets a single date, and Nick accidentally kills Sophie on another stupid group date! Whoops!

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Feature image: Ten