The Bachelor 2018: Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

This is rude.

Hi babes, and welcome back to another Bachie breakdown.

This week, we open with Nick telling us that a good date's "not rocket surgery", which is a) true and b) not the saying.

Rhiannon's ploy to get a single date last cocktail party worked, so it's time for all of us to get to know her and see if their love... takes flight. Ha, ha ha, because they're going in a hot air balloon.

Like Shannon and myself, Rhiannon's scared of heights, and like Shannon and NOT myself, Rhiannon decides to just stick it out for the sake of this date. Choices!

Rhiannon reveals that she has a dog named Honey, and honestly I had to stop paying attention because Nick -- a tall man -- was leaning on the side of the hot air balloon and I started thinking about what it would be like to fall out of one and got really stressed out.

Back at the mansion, Cat says "everyone wants time with Nick", meanwhile, Vanessa Sunshine, Queen of the Snakes and My Life, is like "keep it, sis".

Forever mood.

Emily waltzes (because she's a dancer) in with a date card, and announces that they all have to pack their bags.

Vanessa Sunshine hates it!

It's a group date, and Brittany, Shannon, Cass, Alisha, Romy and Vanessa Sunshine are all going camping.

All the girls freak out, screaming and clapping and smiling, except for Vanessa Sunshine, who's like:

While Vanessa Sunshine is packing her bags and emotionally preparing for another group date, we check back in on our single date where Nick's trying to get some chemistry going with Rhiannon.

They have an extremely awk chat about love, and it's even MORE stressful to watch than the hot air balloon.

He gives her a rose, she asks for a kiss and he shuts her down. It's VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, I cannot emphasise that enough.

Following this awkwardness, they break the fourth wall with all the subtlety of the Kool-Aid guy as portrayed in Family Guy:

Rhiannon turns to the camera and asks if they're "done" filming, and Nick laughs and says that they should just hang out and finish their bottle of wine.

We then get Rhiannon's piece to camera, where she seems a little rattled but delivers a spiel about how it means she's safe for another week, but the cameras keep rolling as she has a very UnREAL conversation with her producer about how "fucking awkward" it is to kiss in front of the camera. It's wild! I'm shook!

She tells the producer that she wouldn't have a problem being forward IRL, and gets emotional as she says that she would rather put it out there and ask if he wants to kiss because she doesn't want to be here if he's not interested.

Anyway, the rest of the girls are off on their road trip, and Snakes 2 and 3 (aka Romy and Alisha) chat with Shannon about how much Vanessa Sunshine is going to hate camping.

Meanwhile, Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine is like "yep, ya got me, I hate this and also Romy!!!!"

Vanessa Sunshine is really leaning into her Sagittarius truth and I deeply relate and understand her.

The ladies arrive, and they're all really hyped to camp out under the stars. Romy says that she's frothing over it, which is... a lot to take in.

We find out that there's going to be a rose ceremony in the bush, and Osher says that one of them won't return to the mansion.

I don't know what kind of Wolf Creek s**t this is but if they leave Vanessa Sunshine in the bush at the end of this rose ceremony  I will literally s**t myself and die.

The first activity sees VS, Romy and Alisha going quad-biking with Honey Badge. Turns out, Vanessa Sunshine loves proving people wrong, so she lowkey crushes it, and huns? Romy's mad.

Grabbing a beer with Nick, Romy says that she "hates throwing someone under the bus" and then spends the rest of her date throwing Vanessa Sunshine under the bus. She's literally Ja'mie???

Nick goes to investigate Romy's claims and sits down with Vanessa Sunshine, who immediately initiates a conversation about what Romy has just told Nick. She's upfront about her feelings and tells him what she told the girls, which is that she's not sure if she's attracted to him because, for her, physical attraction build from getting to know someone. Nick isn't sure what to make of it all.

That night, Romy sneaks into Nick's swag, and you'd think this would be where I'd tell you that they hooked up, but all Cass (and we) hear is them just like... laughing? So like... maybe they were just telling each other dumb Dad jokes at 4 am. WHO CAN SAY?

At breakfast, Romy pulls Alisha aside and tells her that she snuck into Nick's swag "for about 10 minutes" and that they "just snuggled". No offence, but like, if this was Jersey Shore they would've made sure to put cameras in their swags and we'd have some receipts on this right now.

Unsurprisingly, Cass is "devastated" and thinks it's disrespectful of Romy to do this on a group date. She wants to "clear the air" with Nick, and again, I am grateful to be a 900-year-old sea witch and not 23 and in love.

Nick and Cass go for some one-on-one time, and Cass says she heard him and Romy together and is just like "ha ha ha I don't know what happened ha ha ha".

Nick pulls the "there's nothing to explain" card and I hate these scenes so much!!!!!!!!! I literally just want to give Cass a hug and tell her that we can go get drunk together whenever she wants.

Anyway, they set up a swing (???) and then Nick's like "how are you feeling about that conversation we had where I was like 'I'm not that into you'?" and Cass is like "We're alone right now so I feel great, I've literally never been better, I'm just going to wait until you love me, and also, remember when we hugged? That was great."

Also, Nick doesn't seem to know how swings work, because he stands next to her and pushes her left and right, rather than forward and back.

Finally, it's rose ceremony time, and Alisha, Romy, and Britt are basically all wearing the same dress???

Cass -- who called their side to side swing date "the best date of her life" -- gets the first rose!

Half an hour later, they're done hugging, and Brittany gets rose #2.

Alisha gets the third rose, Shannon gets the fourth, so like, duh, we're down to Snake Queen Vanessa Sunshine versus Snake Romy.

Romy says "Vanessa sucks the Sunshine out of my life" which is like, the opposite of how I feel personally but it's an excellent drag lmao.

Nick makes THE WRONG DECISION and picks Romy, ruining my life.

Romy laughs in Vanessa Sunshine's face, which straight up rude.

Osher tells VS to say her goodbyes, and she's like "to WHOMST I hate all these people". She gives Nick a cordial hug, and brushes past the girls, returning to the woods where she will reign over all the snakes.

Honestly, even as she's leaving, she's extremely blasé about the whole thing and says "I really don't care, it's not my problem." I'm starting a fan club for her, FYI.

Anyway, the episode is over and I'm too upset about Vanessa Sunshine's departure to even process the intruders who are coming next week or the fact that a girl is going to try to make a run for it.

Whatever, BYE!

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Feature image: Ten