The Bachelor 2018: Dear Diary, Vanessa Sunshine's Mood? Apathetic
"Brunch is like breakfast and lunch... It's a Melbourne thing" - Vanessa Sunshine, a legend.
Hi there, and welcome back to week two of The Badgelor!
Tonight, we kick things off with our salty queen Vanessa Sunshine being completely apathetic at the prospect of getting a date with Nick, who she clearly hates. I love her??? She literally can't even muster up the energy to feign interest in the idea of getting a date with him, and I'm going to follow this diva on Instagram because I absolutely live for a bad b**ch who gives no f**ks.
The date card straight up trolls poor Cass. It's like "our paths have crossed before" and then there's this hella long pause (I say "hella" in tribute to my messy queen Cat, who lives for dated slang) before Cat announces that the date is Brittany's. Cass is like:
Meanwhile, let's take a hot second to discuss Romy's feminist t-shirt:
Here I was thinking she hated women because of, you know... her behaviour. I was wrong! My bad, team!
Onto the single date, Brittany says "I like your face" during a back and forth flirtation with Nick, which is... I mean... has she been spending a lot of time with Cat? Are retro sayings coming back in? What's happening with these women?
Brittany and Nick get a boat to a golf buggy, and drive to a golf course, during which Brit notes his "unstable driving". They get to the top of a hill, and it's revealed that they'll be playing something called "footgolf", which sounds like one of those fake diseases from Theme Hospital.
Brit's like "fun! Ha ha."
But, she's a good sport (ha ha, get it?! Because they're playing sports!) and gets into this game which honestly does not seem like much fun.
They flirt, they laugh, and Nick notes that she's "a co-ordinated girl". Romantic!
Moving on to dinner and a dip in the pool, they chat about what they're looking for in a partner, he gives her a rose, and Brit gets the first real kiss of the season!
The group date starts with a challenge that is absolutely bananas? The girls -- who are battling to win alone time with Nick -- have to hold a ping pong ball on a straw, held steady by a firm handshake. There's a lot of jokes about things being "too soft" and about "ball skills". It's exhausting.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to point out that in no way is this a "date", but whatever! The girls are into it, and off we go.
With five pairs knocked out of the first round, the eliminated girls are served drinks, and Sophie realises she's the real winner here, which is a true mood.
Meanwhile, the girls still in the game proceed to round two, where they have to walk across a log with Nick. Cass is deep in her feelings and watching the other girls like:
When it's finally Cass' turn, she cops the brunt of the lovesick edit again. She doesn't make it through to the final round. It's way harsh.
The girls proceeding through to round three are Aleksandra, Vanessa Sunshine, Cat and Blair, which means it's time to watch our divas face off (and I guess the other two will be there also).
Vanessa Sunshine thinks Cat is cocky, and Cat thinks Vanessa Sunshine doesn't like Nick. They're both right, so honestly I don't get why they're mad at each other.
The game gets heated and Vanessa Sunshine -- my petty queen -- wins the game literally to spite Cat. I'm like... pretty sure she hates Nick, hey. Here's her face upon learning she's going on a single date with Nick:
She tells Nick that she hates Dad jokes, explains the concept of brunch to him, and the only time she shows any sign of excitement is when he says "okay, so you've got a weekend off..." and she momentarily misunderstands and thinks he's giving her a weekend away from him. He makes a joke about "linner" -- lunch and dinner -- and she IMMEDIATELY shoots him down.
Meanwhile, I'm over here, scalped.
Nick ponders the possibility that his jokes aren't funny, but then decides that it's more likely that Vanessa Sunshine "doesn't like laughing".
She doesn't get a kiss or a rose, but she does get MY love and affection, and I'm pretty sure that's what's important here.
The following morning, Brooke decides it's time to use her Bach pad key, and brings him a breakfast in bed of bacon and egg rolls and OJ.
Brooke tells Nick about her career in youth work, and Nick is suitably impressed. They have a genuinely lovely dynamic together and it's nice to watch. This has been my sincere paragraph for the episode.
Brooke snags a rose and the second real kiss of the season!
The pair return to the mansion just in time for the cocktail party, and our poor, sweet baby angel Cass is not thrilled. She breaks down to Brittany and decides to read him her diary, which is... a real choice.
Meanwhile, Cat finishes a joke with "... not", so we can add that to her repertoire of dated slang!
She asks Vanessa Sunshine if she's attracted to Nick, and she's like:
Vanessa Sunshine makes the very good point that she's spent an hour with the guy and she's not sure what she thinks of him. Cat and Romy wholeheartedly reject this valid point, because they hate her.
Dasha and Nick have a sweet moment, and she reveals she has a 5-year-old son. Meanwhile, our ever-watchful Cass is looking on, hyping herself up to share her feelings with Nick.
She gets her moment, and I want the floor to open up and swallow me because I literally feel so bad for her. I want to give her a big hug and explain to her that your entire 20s are shit but that things will be better eventually.
Back with the girls, Cat and Romy are still bitching about Vanessa Sunshine. Blair defends VS, and Shannon says that the Snakes need to approach situations differently because they're coming off like bitches.
Needless to say, the snakes don't receive this feedback particularly well, and they're like:
And Shannon's like:
Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony, and Osher tells us that three ladies are going home tonight.
While Cass is freaking out about how she may have scared our Badgelor off, old mate Nick gives Vanessa Sunshine a rose, and all is right in MY WORLD, even if Romy is left seething.
Cass gets a rose and they hug for a really long time!
The final rose goes to Aleksandra, leaving Cayla, Christina and Kayla to pack their bags.
In a TWIST, Cayla uses her time to say goodbye to ask if she can steal Nick for a moment. Dragging him outside, she's like "BEWARE OF THE SNAKES!!!!!!!!!"
In the greatest moment of the season to date, she asks if he wants to know who the "good ones" are, and he SHUTS THE LIMO DOOR. It's literally wild and I love it so much.
Come back tomorrow for more great antics, team!
The Bachelor airs on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7:30pm, only on Ten and WIN networks. Miss an episode? Catch up on tenplay!
Feature image: Ten