The Bachelor 2018: Mean Girls, Romance And Yoga, Oh My!
Alisha is my sh*t-stirring queen and I will not hear a bad word about her!!!
Hello, and welcome back to another night of Bachelor NOT in paradise, in a regular old mansion!!! It's been 24 hours, can you believe?!
Right out of the gate, Tenille accuses Cat, Romy and Alisha of stirring up drama, which is like, accurate but also what I'm personally here for because my heart is a shriveled up raisin and only beats for the misery of others!
Cute pic of me, brows on fleek! Anyway, as Tenille is saying that, we get a shot of Alisha sipping tea contentedly, which is a real mood.
Osher pops in and all the girls scream with delight. Personally, if my friends dropped in on me unannounced they would find me with no makeup on and wearing the clothes I slept in, but somehow the 22 girls in the mansion are all fully made up and ready to go! Weird!
Anyway, Osher's got a date card and guess who wants it? Cass! You know who gets it? Shannon!
Shannon's stoked! You know who's not stoked?
Shannon heads off to meet Nick for a date and finds him pensively sitting on some bleachers, holding a football and thinking about world peace.
Nick says he wants to find someone who "likes me for me", not because he's tough like Dirty Harry, makes her laugh just like Jim Carrey, he's like the Cable Guy... ugh a SONG, wig.
Anyway, that's enough about Blessid Union of Souls, a great and underrated band, let's get back to the episode.
He says she looks "tippy top" and that her shoes look like she stomped some rabbits to death, but that it "looks pretty good on her", which is breathtakingly romantic. Ladies, find yourself a partner who thinks murder looks chic!
Nick gives her two date options, and Shannon chooses the mystery date.
It's a helicopter ride!
Shannon says: "I'm shit-scared of heights."
Nick says: "I hope she's okay with heights", and tells her they're going to jump out of the helicopter.
Lemme tell ya, as someone who's shit-scared of heights, if a guy I'd met literally the night before was like "hey prove that you trust me by flinging yourself out of this helicopter real quick", I would literally just leave.
Shannon, a braver soul than I, decides to stick it out for old mate Nick, but let's take a quick interlude to discuss Steph's Dorothy costume:
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a date that she's not on, my oh my.
Back up in the sky, Shannon is freaking out, and Nick calms her down with a kiss on the cheek.
"Either way we'll get out of it!" he says, which is maybe the least calming sentence in the history of the world. Like why not just say "We may die, YOLO!"
Shannon says Nick's hug really calmed her down, and they begin perhaps the slowest skydiving experience to ever be caught on camera.
They get dunked in the water like some kind of impromptu baptism and head on over to the beach for a picnic.
Why the helicopter couldn't gently place them on the sand remains a mystery to me.
Nick gets the grill out to cook up some salmon, and in another plot twist, that's the one food Shannon hates!
Imagine a world where on a first date you're forced to conquer one of your fears and then you find out that your reward is the only food you don't eat. Shannon is a hero among men for not just leaving on the spot???
"Salmon, mmm yum!!!" she says, choking it down.
Nick and Shannon have a conversation, where Nick tells a long story about how he hates coffee because he once made an instant coffee in the way that you would make a glass of Milo (ie, 3/4 instant coffee, 1/4 milk), and it put him off coffee for life.
"That is SUCH a good story, oh my GOD!" exclaims Shannon.
They go for a dip and talk about their past relationships, and at one point, Nick says that he liked how nervous she was to meet him and notes her "sweaty hands" as a sign of her being real. Love! She gets a rose and doesn't kiss him on the first date.
Back at the mansion, it's group date time! Brooke, Aleksandra, Christina, Sophie, Cass, Cayla T, Vanessa, Cat, Alisha, and Romy have all been selected for a photoshoot!
Vanessa Sunshine says that she would prefer a single date, and for saying what everyone is feeling, Cat calls her "Sassy A-F".
Meanwhile, Cayla the energy healer calls Cat, Alisha and Romy "the three snakes of the house" and in a decidedly un-zen statement, says she would "rather shoot herself in the head" than go on a group date with Cat.
The photoshoot is passion-themed, because per Nick: "Passion is important".
The first mini-group is Cass, Aleksandra, and Romy, who are all set to do an '80s rock band themed photo, which is about "artistic passion", according to Nick. Cass grabs him by the neck, which is a choice, but Nick loved it! He appreciates that she was "right in there" and "hot".
"I was one of Nick's groupies, and I was pretty much in love with him, obsessed with him," says Cass, in one of the least self-aware sentences I have ever heard uttered on television.
Shot two is a firefighter photo, because of their "passion" for "helping others". Sure, okay.
Vanessa's PISSED that Brooke gets to play the damsel in distress, but salvages the day by serving LOOKS:
Meanwhile, our snakes are doing their best Ja'mie impression and offering their commentary.
Brooke cements her place as the frontrunner by staring into Nick's eyes and whispering sweet nothings in his ear like "stop giving me those eyes" and "you make me nervous", which actually sound really creepy when I read them back, but I promise were nice in the moment.
Third up is the "sexy school" theme, in which our snakes are
mean school girls, and Cayla gets thoroughly trolled with a school teacher costume.
I guess it's supposed to be a "passion" for learning????
Finally, Sophie and Nick have a one-on-one, yoga-themed shot, and Nick tells Sophie to "snap it". We love a Legally Blonde stan!
Alisha -- on the hunt for drama again -- is loving it:
With the photoshoot over, Nick drops by the mansion and asks Romy out for lunch. The girls are pressed, but Romy is unbothered, offering the second "I'm not here to make friends" in as many episodes!
They make their own pizza at Nick's uncle Mike's pizza restaurant in Manly, while I order my own to be delivered. Who got the better deal here?
He throws flour on her, and all of a sudden it's like a less sexy version of Nick and Amy Dunne's first kiss.
Will our Nick and Romy have a happier ending than the Dunnes, or will she too be a Gone Girl? Time will tell!
He gives her a rose, and she calls him "honey" three times, which I thought was creepy because I forgot that people call him the Honey Badger. Romy tries to go in for a kiss, and Nick shuts her down, so she settles for sucking on his neck instead.
Romy and Nick return from lunch right in time for their evening cocktail party. At some point, Romy has literally changed into Romy cosplay, and I am screaming:
Romy... lies??? And calls their kiss "romantic", "organic", "authentic" and "real", leaving Brooke, Shannon and Cass shook to their goddamn cores.
Shannon cries, and while the girls check on her and comfort her, Romy asks Cat if it's "that bad" that she's "not that bothered".
Cat says no, and then they collectively offer us the THIRD "we're not here to make friends"... despite the fact that they seem to be... becoming fast friends.
Upon seeing Nick having a conversation with Tenille, Romy devises a plan to cut in and offer him a flower, and just like in RHONY a few weeks ago when Ramona brought that guy a drink at speed-dating, it is... very awkward.
All the girls hate it, with the exception of Alisha, my queen of sh*t-stirring:
Romy goes in for a kiss, which Nick is clearly not into, and it sends the whole party into a tailspin, and prompts Vanessa Sunshine to call her a "sh**ty person".
Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony, and two of the girls are leaving the mansion tonight.
Cayla is PRESSED that the snakes all snag themselves a rose, and quite frankly, doesn't seem like she's very good at energy healing. To paraphrase RuPaul, "if you can't [energy heal] yourself, how in the hell you gonna [energy heal] someone else, can I get an amen?!"
Juliana and Renee miss out on roses, and with that, we're down to 20 Bachelorettes.
Come back next week, when we'll see Brooke and Nick finally get some alone time, and watch Cat go head to head with Vanessa Sunshine.
The Bachelor airs on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7:30pm, only on Ten and WIN networks. Miss an episode? Catch up on tenplay!
Feature image: Ten